For everything, there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
As I am writing this on the eve of Easter, I find myself marveling at the extent of my stubbornness. I, like many others, desire control, and certainty. I like to sinfully plan every detail, know precisely what is to come and how to get there. And to top it all off, I want to do it myself. I am independent to a fault and will trudge my way through the storm rather than rely on another or ask for help. How ridiculous is that, though?
I am reminded on this night how absurd that notion is. That I, a sinful, powerless, and flawed 25-year-old, would instead try and take control, rather than offer up my anxieties and trust The Father and Christ, who on this Easter weekend we celebrate the fact that He ROSE FROM THE GRAVE. Yet, I still try my best at every obstacle and turn to take the reins. It is truly laughable.
This season has been challenging. This year has been tough. Time and time again, I have been reminded of the absolute lack of control and power I have. Lack of control is everywhere: from considerable shifts in my work to navigating new relationships, changes in the social and political climate, and overall chaos, it seems that the lack of control has been abundant in every area of life. Through this chaos, I’ve desired change. I wanted, I craved, power, so I took it upon myself to seek change to regain that control.
I started job searching, and a few potential opportunities popped up, none of which were ever guaranteed or inevitable, but I clung to them as if my life depended on it. I wanted a change in where I lived, thinking that would help give me some sort of sense of comfort, so I started looking for new places to move to, and another potential popped up, which I, again, clung to. I felt as though I had regained control of my life, but as I write this, both the options to live and work somewhere new are no longer present. As quickly as they came to me, they were gone, and I was left with the reminder that I do not have control. That my only job is to trust, pray, and wait.
I’ve never been good at waiting. I’ve never been good at trusting. It’s a time of challenge but also a time for seeking comfort in Him. Each of us needs to find comfort in Christ, who is powerful, loving, all-knowing, and a personal God. The goal is to find peace in trusting the path that was specially crafted for each of us, one which will ultimately allow us to glorify God. Once I realized this truth, all I had to do was trust and let go of the constant desire and seeking of control; I experienced peace.
For the first time in a long time, I am confident in whatever is to come. Not that I have ANY clue what that is, but I am changed and able to trust that it will be God’s will. Not my own. So- I continue to wait. And pray. And, now, as Easter people, we celebrate that the God who is powerful enough to bring His Son back to life, has control over mine as well.
“I have said this to you, so that in me you may have peace. In the world you face persecution. But take courage; I have conquered the world!” (NRSVCE, John 16:33).
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